I haven’t done one of these in ages, wow go me for not emo-ing for what? A week?
I uh… really need to get this off my chest it’s been bugging me since the beginning of the summer, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before but here we go. By the way this isn’t about you guys because to be quite honest you’re the only ones who invite me to anything and it makes me feel really happy to be included. That’s why I am posting this in truth so that they can’t read it, this is more of a get it of me sort of thing rather than a confrontational rant.

I feel like a bad person for many reasons, because of what I do or what I say and the reactions I get off people. I know I am selfish and demanding, but that’s all I know. I know I moan a lot, but that’s just who I am. But I don’t think that truly explains much.

I’m very fed up. I am always making plans with people in school, either trips to town or the cinema. I’m always having people up my house for study groups or to hang out. I’m always inviting people to do things. I’m never invited. If I want to sleep over someone’s I’ve have to ask, as if they are reluctant. I am hardly ever invited over to other people’s house and even less to sleep over. I feel dirty. If a trip or party is planned, I’m never actually invited. I must be a bad person who ruins these events.
Now when people organise things and on that very, very rare occasion that I am invited, I usually try and make it happen at my house so that It will happen, and so I am guaranteed to be included instead of ‘accidentally’ left out, because if it is at my house then I can’t be forgotten. I guess I’m saying that I am fed up of organising and planning all these things then find out last minute that they can’t come and yet never am invited myself.

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, am I really that bad a guest or person? Am I really that annoying.

And just to say thank you guys who do invite me to things, and include me, you wouldn’t believe how much it means to me and how much it makes me stupidly happy.

I feel like I’m in a cold and dark place, there are no windows and no doors and I don’t know how to get out. It’s lonely, and no-one can see me and no-one can get through. My fingers burn and my toes are frozen, and all I can smell I smoke.